Our oldest daughter is entering adolescence… that stage of life many of us parents dread. I've spoken with several mothers of pre-teens, and the concern is always the same: “What if we've done everything right so far, and then they suddenly rebel when they reach adolescence!” Honestly, this thought has crossed my mind several times, and I've learned to surrender it to God whenever it does.

I've noticed that in loving families with strong biblical principles at home, children don't seem to go through a rebellious phase during adolescence. On the contrary, they become obedient and loving young people towards their parents, extremely considerate of others, and responsible within their sphere, without losing that almost childlike innocence and purity.

You must be thinking, “What do you mean, they don't go through adolescence?” In fact, if you do a little research on adolescence, you'll discover that adolescence with these rebellious characteristics was something invented… that's right, and not everyone has to go through it.

The term 'adolescence' and the characteristics associated with this phase between 13 and 19 years old were an American invention post-World War II. Young people at that time were heavily exploited in the production of war equipment and on battlefields, which led some to rebel and exhibit inappropriate behaviors… the media then capitalized on this, beginning to present the idea that these young people needed a phase where they were completely free and not pressured to bear the same responsibilities as adults. Until then, upon reaching the age of 12 or 13, a child became a young adult, not yet fully mature, but mature enough to be a responsible and active member of society.

In more conservative Jewish culture, the concept of a child becoming a young adult rather than an adolescent prevails to this day. When a boy reaches the age of 13, he becomes a bar mitzvah (“son of the commandment”), and when a girl reaches the age of 12, she becomes a bat mitzvah (“daughter of the commandment”). Before this age, which roughly coincides with puberty, parents are considered responsible for their children's actions, but from this age onward, children are responsible for their own actions. In addition to responsibility, they also gain certain privileges, such as participating in events and celebrations they were not previously allowed to attend. Typically, Jewish families celebrate this milestone with a special ceremony that usually takes place on the Saturday following the boy's 13th birthday and the girl's 12th birthday.

When we first heard this information a few months ago, we talked to our almost-teenager, and she liked the idea of becoming an “adult” soon. It's interesting how understanding and studying this seemed to help her, not only to behave more maturely but also to open up much more to us as parents and become our confidante. As parents, we've sought to help her be responsible for her own actions, and one way we do this is by giving her opportunities to make choices within her maturity level.

A few months after this discovery, we experienced an interesting incident that taught us some important lessons. Our pre-teen received a new pair of shoes as a gift from her grandmother. We went to the stores for her to choose, and excited by the gift, she ended up falling in love with a pair of sandals that, for us parents, weren't quite appropriate for her age yet. The heel was a bit high for our principles regarding health, modesty, etc., etc…

When we noticed her interest, we visited several other stores and showed her different options, but she remained captivated by the sandals. There came a point when we had to make a decision. She had already asked us countless times what we thought, and we gave our opinion, but she remained very drawn to the sandals. Finally, we told her that we wouldn't force her to make a decision, but that she had enough information to decide. Did we take a risk? Yes, but we felt that God would help us deal with the consequences, and we were praying for God to guide her little heart.

She tried on the sandals, walked around the store, talked to me, talked to her dad. We could see she was going through a very strong internal struggle. Finally, with tears in her eyes, she said she wouldn't take the sandals. We looked at each other, surprised by the final choice she made after so much insistence. We even told her again that she was free to choose, that we didn't want to force her decision, but she decided not to take the sandals.

A short while later, the tears stopped, and we asked her why she had changed her mind, and her answer brought tears to our eyes: “Because I want to obey you, and I wouldn't feel good wearing something I knew you didn't approve of.”

The sandals weren't bought that day, but a few days later. The enemy still tried to trouble her little heart, but she made a wise choice and went home very happy with a beautiful pair of sandals, perfectly appropriate for her age.

Friends, we are imperfect and flawed parents; we've made mistakes in the past and often still do with our daughters, but we understood something important from this incident. Adolescence can indeed be the revelation of rebellion or resentment harbored in the heart during childhood, but it can also be a beautiful revelation of respect and honor for parents, because in childhood they dedicated themselves to teaching their children to fear God. Even though sometimes, along the way, our children may seem distracted, distant, or even show moments of rebellion, for “the lion is always prowling around looking for someone to devour,” every diligent effort with Jesus' help will be rewarded.

We've barely begun our journey as parents of “teenagers,” but we can see that the same God who sustained us and gave us wisdom in the past will be with us moving forward. We don't need to be afraid.

If you had the opportunity to develop a loving, trusting relationship with your child during their childhood, free from many worldly influences, you can be sure that God will be faithful and continue to help you. If, by chance, you were a distant parent and had a troubled relationship with your child, without God, do everything possible now to restore that relationship. Sacrifice your dreams if necessary, and seek God constantly, for He is capable of performing any miracle in your heart and in your child's heart.

Some tips for a loving relationship with your teenager:

1. Be a part of their life and let them be a part of yours;

1. Encourage their gifts and support their interests;

1. Give them opportunities for healthy socialization, with people who are good role models for them;

1. Give them responsibilities, and assume they will be responsible;

1. Be patient with their flaws; you have them too;

1. Encourage him to develop a personal relationship with God;

1. Don't be afraid to teach him principles; he will surprise you, not only by accepting them but by defending them;

1. Give him the opportunity to serve in the mission field; he will love it;

1. When you fail as a father, ask for forgiveness. Be a role model;

1. Don't stop being a parent just to be a friend. Be a friendly parent.

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Some historical information was taken from:

http://entretenimento.r7.com/blogs/andre-barcinski/voce-sabe-quem-inventou-o-adolescente-20140918/

http://www.jewfaq.org/barmitz.htm

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