What is marriage? It is a refining process, a furnace, whose purpose is to consume the dross.

As your pastor, I strongly recommend divorce,” I told my members one Saturday.

Now I knew I had their attention. No one was going to sleep through the rest of that sermon. You could imagine the thoughts running through their minds: “Is he going to preach heresy?”, “Is this the last sermon this pastor will preach from this pulpit?”

Before I tell you why I recommend divorce as a solution to marital problems, allow me to set the context by explaining the six stages of marriage. The reason we have these six stages is due to the entrance of sin into this world. If humans had not fallen and we still lived in the Garden of Eden, we would have only experienced stage one and stage six of marriage. But, due to temptation and the entrance of sin, we have all six stages.

Stage one is: the honeymoon. Everything is wonderful and life is perfect at this stage. My advice to newlyweds would be to enjoy every minute of it. It would also be good to practice saying the following:

1. I love you

1. I'm sorry

1. Do you forgive me?

1. I forgive you.

Saying these things requires very little effort when you are in the honeymoon stage. It's good to get into the habit of saying these things because when stage two comes along, it can be painfully difficult to say them. Mignon McLaughlin, an American author and journalist, masterfully summarized the honeymoon stage this way: “I pity all newlyweds. She cooks him something delicious, and he brings her flowers. They kiss and think: how simple marriage is.”

Before we move on to stage two of marriage, consider this important question: “Why doesn't God allow us to remain in the honeymoon stage for our entire marriage? Why does our loving God allow the delightful honeymoon stage to come to an end?”

Have you ever thought about that? I believe it's because God is more concerned with our holiness than with our happiness. The reason He is so concerned with our holiness is because, ultimately, He is concerned with our happiness. There is no true happiness apart from holiness. In Matthew 5:8, Jesus says: “Blessed are the pure in heart.” Another way to say this is: “Happy are the holy.”

Interestingly, in Matthew 5:4, Jesus also says: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” This is a comforting promise for those who grieve because of their marriage. For many, marriage has become a burden, a curse.

Note what Ellen G. White, co-founder of the Adventist Church, has to say about Jesus' promise to those who mourn: “The Savior’s words also contain a message of comfort for those who suffer affliction or deprivation. Our sorrows do not spring from the earth. God “does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.” Lamentations 3:33. When He allows trials and afflictions to come upon us, it is “for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness.” Hebrews 12:10” (The Greatest Discourse of Christ, page 10).

I would like to paraphrase the last sentence this way: “When He allows the honeymoon stage to come to an end, it is “for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness.”

The passage continues by saying: “If received with faith, the trial that seems so bitter and difficult to bear will prove to be a blessing. The cruel blow that shatters joys will become the means of turning our eyes toward Heaven. How many would never have known Jesus if sorrow had not led them to seek comfort from Him!”

Once again, I would like to paraphrase the last sentence this way: “How many would never have known Jesus if the honeymoon stage had not come to an end and led them to seek comfort in Him!” Our God, who desires us to be co-partakers of His holiness, allows us to move from the honeymoon stage to the next stage.

When I asked my members what, in their opinion, the next stage would be, someone shouted: “The nightmare stage!” I think that would be an apt description. Stage two is: what was I thinking?

When stage two arrives, people find themselves thinking: “My spouse and I are complete opposites.” For many couples, what initially attracted them to their spouse will, in the future, annoy them about them. For example, the shy introvert who is attracted to the sociable extrovert will, in the future, resent the fact that she is always spending time with friends instead of being at home with the family.

The divorce stage

The next stage is when divorce often occurs. Stage three is: everything would be wonderful if you changed. When we marry someone, we choose one person out of 7 billion on this planet, and then suddenly we're saying, “You have to change.” They say women marry thinking, “I’m going to change him,” while men marry thinking, “She’ll never change.”

Now, if you find yourself in stage three, with your home completely destroyed and your marriage falling apart, I strongly recommend divorce. Yes, you read that correctly. I’ll repeat: “I strongly recommend divorce.” I fully agree with this quote from Jerry McCant’s book God’s Little Instruction Book for Couples: “You cannot be married and happy unless you divorce your self. A successful marriage requires a certain death to self.”

The apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:31 says, “I die daily.” In Galatians 2:19, 20, he says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Likewise, we too must die to self if we want to have a successful marriage.

Consider these words from a marriage preparation manual titled Before You Say “I Do” by H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts: “Marriage is a refining process that God will use to make us the man or woman He wants us to become. Think about it. God will use your marriage for His purposes. He will mold and refine you for your own good and for His glory.” What is marriage? It is a “refining process,” a furnace. A furnace is a place with very hot temperatures. We must remember that the purpose of the fire is not to destroy you, but to consume the dross. Ellen White has much to say about the furnace of refinement. We read that “the furnace of refinement is to remove the dross. When the Refiner sees His image perfectly reflected in you, He will take you out of the furnace. You will not be allowed to be consumed, or to endure the fiery trial one moment longer than is necessary for your purification” (Our High Calling, p. 312).

We will successfully pass through stage three if we are willing to divorce our self and recognize that God desires to conform us to the image of Christ.

I Choose to Love You

Stage four is: I choose to love and accept you as you are.

God is calling us to do for our spouse what He has done for us. God chose to love us, and this did not happen when we began to repent and take responsibility for our actions. The Bible says: “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). When Jesus was scourged and mocked, His response was: “I love you.” When they pierced His hands with nails, His response was: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). In Ephesians 5:25, it says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” God is calling us to love our spouse with the same selfless love with which He loved us.

If we can die to self and learn to love selflessly through His strength and grace, we can advance to stages five and six. Stage five is: I am blessed to have you in my life. And stage six is: I want to grow old with you.

As we journey toward heaven with our spouse, let us always keep in mind that God is using our marriage experiences to transform us daily, so that we may reflect the character of Christ. We read that: “The divine work of refining and purifying must go forward until His servants are so humbled, so dead to self, that when called to active service, they have in view only the glory of God. [...] God often brings man down to the dust, increasing the pressure until perfect humility and transformation of character bring him into harmony with Christ and the spirit of Heaven, and he gains victory over himself” (Testimonies for the Church, vol. 4, page 86).

Let us remember that God “often” “brings us down” “to the dust,” until we become like Christ. This may explain why your spouse keeps doing that same annoying and irritating thing that drives you crazy almost every day. If this is your experience, I strongly recommend that you divorce your self now. May we say like the apostle Paul: “I die daily.”

Martin Kim, pastor, Southcenter Seventh-day Adventist Church, Washington Conference.

Translation: Hander Heim

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