The central theme of communication in a relationship is the message, “you are important to me.” Everyone wants to know they are valued, especially by the most important person in their life. This simple truth has revitalized our marriage and can bring positive changes to any relationship. Here are two ways to convey that your spouse is important to you:

1. Say pleasant things to your spouse. “I really appreciate the effort you make to get the kids ready for school.” A little note by the car keys saying, “Have a good day, dear. I’ll be thinking of you.” Not just the statement, but also the fact that you thought to say it speaks volumes about his or her importance to you.

2. Say positive things about your spouse. Our words influence our own attitude. “My wife is an excellent hostess.” “My husband is so thoughtful.” Saying positive things develops positive thoughts and feelings toward the person we are talking about, thereby increasing our sense of their worth. Think of the positive effect it can bring!

Each of these points has a flip side. While we strive to say more pleasant things to our spouse, let's also focus on refraining from saying unpleasant words we are tempted to utter. When you feel frustrated, that's the time to stay silent! The time to discuss difficult matters is when we are calm and when anger has passed. When you feel the urge to talk about something that bothers you, that's probably the wrong time to do it!

Just as speaking positively about your spouse generates good feelings toward him or her, speaking critically to others destroys those feelings. The common practice of joking at someone else's expense is destructive. Instead, you can encourage the idea, “we enjoy being together.”

In our marriage, we've found many other ways to communicate the message, “you are important to me,” such as small acts of service, holding hands, or giving full attention while the other person speaks. You can learn to think and say, “I value you. My life is better with you!” And deep down in your heart, you know that this is exactly what we all want to know.

Baird and Mary Corrigan. Translated and used with permission from the Forever a Family project (www.foreverafamily.org).

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